Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!Ohmigod what IS that on your pants? Ohhhh, such a delectable smell! Do you mind if I stuff my snout, like, all over your legs for a minute? MMmmmmmmmm, you must have a dog, too. A dog MADE OF SAUSAGE!
Sorry! Sorry! I'll back off. See how I can sit? Good dog! Good dog! Say, you don't have a frisbee, do you? Like maybe in your back pocket? No? Okay, no, that's cool. That's . . . well, I just thought you would, having that sausagey smell and all.
Okay, no, gotcha. Anyway, I just wanted to check in with a few of you who seem concerned that I'm being, like, abused? Because I have to say, it sort of freaked me out when one lady said I should be taken to the vet and killed because my owner sometimes tells me to stop chewing her shoes? Hey, I don't want to die yet! Look at my face! I'm full of piss and vinegar! Well, at first it was just vinegar, and then-
OMG WTF WAS THAT HOLY GOD BARK BARK BARK BARK
Oh, sorry! Sorry! Squirrels, you know? Jeez, I hate those things.
Anyway! You should probably know that I have not one, not two, but three ridiculously comfortable dog beds, and I get to hang around inside the house practically all day long because of what my owners call the "Sad Cow Face" I do at the back door (oh my god you should see it! It's so totally pitiful! I am SO RAD at this face!), and I am allowed to lick the human's plates after meals (would you like to come for dinner? My owner might even wash the dishes for you!), and I go to the dog park and on trips to the Oregon coast where I can run on the beach and I get back scratches every day even though it makes me shed all the hell over the wood floors.
Basically my life is pretty good, and I don't even mind it when the Small Loud Pink Thing puts toys on me.
MONCH MONCH MONCH MONCH MONCH MONCH MONCH MONCH
Sorry, I had to chew my butt there for a minute. As I was saying! Please don't feel so sorry for me, or more specifically please don't take me out back and shoot me! Or any other pets who are owned by people who love them but sometimes have to put their attention towards those Small Loud Pink Things! We're actually okay! We promise! (DON'T KILL US!)
Now: seriously. WHAT is on your pants????Permalink | Email this | Linking Blogs | Comments
